I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
