just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
