I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
