Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
