Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
