Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i was born a porn star she said
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
