I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
