Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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