Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
