i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
