i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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