she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He had one of those small greek statue penises
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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