Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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