I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
