i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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