my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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