I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
