god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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