I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
your like the ambassador to my penis.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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