that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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