just tell him i said nine months
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
