you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
