Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
