call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
