Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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