I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Randomize
