Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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