Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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