a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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