Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dear god my vagina.
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