Please, let me fuck your mom
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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