We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
