So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
