I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
