So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Actions speak louder than pants.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
