Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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