i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
