and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
