i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
