cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize