for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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