i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
