we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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