I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
