I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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