Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize