Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
