Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
