put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
