i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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