i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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