Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
