I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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