I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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