i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
