If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
