you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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